Don't ever sleep on NyQuil...it's deceptive. Every time I do it I wake up constantly with a vague fear, but at the same time knowing that I have nothing (immediate) to fear. It's bizarre. I toss, I turn, and when I wake up I feel insanely hung over. Believe it or not, this is a good way to get to sleep, and despite what I said before I will probably still take NyQuil to sleep because even if the sleep is awful, it is still sleep. I think a tortured person sleeps infrequently, and often only with help or ultimate exhaustion. The last time that I really slept well was when I was with Efi, and then I had a calming, nice sleep of having someone next to me. This is not a new thing...when I was younger I used to listen to talk radio until I slept. It's a distraction, because when I try to sleep my own internal dialogues torture me, and pictures and memories flood me with incredible power - power that I can't immediately deal with, to be honest.

It's a weakness, I know, and I know also that I should probably keep this fucking journal to myself. How obnoxious am I, how presumptuous? I assume that people will read this, when at the same time I know that this is probably stuff I shouldn't share. At the same time I am withholding volumes of information, so it is all a lie, really. I guess, like I said before, it is therapy. Or is it voyeurism? I don't know...either way, I'll keep posting, most likely. It is more satisfying than just writing it in a word document. I'm going to bed before I say more stupid shit.