My mood was quite elevated for a long while...I think as a result of just not thinking of the darker parts of my life. It all comes to a head at times like this. I feel very dark - I've got pictures of my friend Matt around me, and I'm fucking incredulous that he's dead. I was a fucking pallbearer at my best friend's funeral, and I can't fucking believe it. Jesus - I hope that anyone who reads this does not EVER have to go through that, it's shit. Then it makes me think of my old brother, of whom I have no pictures around me, and I feel so fucking guilty. He was my brother for christ's sake, and he died, and I've got no pictures of him here. I wish you could feel the strength of my emotion right now - but it's so imperceptible. These things that come back to you...you can just sketch it with text, these meaningless characters are no substitute for real emotion. I know you all feel it, but shit, it's fucking easy to feel very isolated.

I try not to think about what happened on the bad side, like for example the case of Kit. He got sick as a dog in Costa Rica on vacation, as a result of a tick bite. He had erlichiosis (spelling was just a guess there) and went into a coma for a week. We were pretty sure that he was fucked, but he came around, and he recovered, and Kit (one of the best guys I know) is alive and kicking in Madison, no harm done. I'd like to have more stories like that. Just thinking of Kit pulling through makes me a lot happier now. This writing truly is stream of consciousness...and I'm a lot happier. This shit probably sounds hackneyed to you, but it's true.

I shouldn't post at 3 am anymore, should I? I wish you all the best of health.