Man, I'm fucked. My head is fucking fucked. It's May Day! It's fucking May Day, the holiday of the workers. I'm just going to write stream of consciousness here, ok? I'm teary and I'm angry and fuck knows. I'm angry again that death has to happen. I'm angry again that Lazzara died, and fucking KC died, and Tom Sullivan, and my brother. Note that there is no 'especially' in all of that, because none of these deaths was more important than the other. Fuck, that doesn't make any fucking sense of its own. Why did Kelly's brother die, by the way? Why does anyone die before there fucking time? FUCK THIS SHIT. FUCK THIS WORLD. THERE IS NO FUCKING GOD.

I have to sigh, and regain my composure. I was talking to Matt tonight, I was talking to him, but I was talking to myself, right? Was I? Who the fuck was I talking to? I got no response. I miss so many people, I feel so sad that I can't be with them. Why did they die? I love you all, I love all things that live...please stay alive, please don't die before your time. Don't let anyone die and be lucky that you're with the people you're with. It's all arbitrary and temporary - that is what it is!