I think that I've kept my composure pretty well these last months. I haven't felt as if I have the right to mourn at all, and I really haven't been in an enviroment where I can mourn, really. It's all reminiscent of when Mike died - no one understands what's going on. No one except Kelly, and I don't talk to her for some reason, and I really should. Do you believe this - I feel guilty bringing up dead people in conversation because I feel like it'll bring people down. I am so sad right now...I miss Matt so much, and it's coming up on June 9th and I miss Mike too. I miss them all and I feel so strange, especially being unable to talk to Matt. I've been dreaming that he's alive a lot, which was usually the realm reserved for Mike. They're the worst dreams a person could have, the worst ever. I used to dream that people I know had died, and I'd wake up crying and then relieved; now I only dream of the ones I knew that died being alive, and I wake up horrified knowing that I cannot ever talk to them again. I wake up profoundly astounded.